Dealing With Disappointment—  With and Without Us  

Disappointment is a BIG feeling, and one our young children experience, often. Life is full of little upsets, unexpected changes, and mismatches between expectation and reality: someone has the toy they want and they have to wait; the dinner offered is different than they hoped for; the birthday party they were excited for is cancelled last minute; they want to be held right then and our hands are too full.

Disappointment can feel uncomfortable, but it has to be expressed for our children to move through it and learn they can come out the other side. Knowing what disappointment feels like, we might think the kindest thing we can do is shield our young children from it— distracting them out of the sadness, or instantly solving their problem so there’s no sitting with the feeling. But that doesn’t actually help them. Not in the moment, and definitely not in the long run. Knowing how to deal with disappointment can only be learned by living through it!

That’s not to say our children should be “left to it”. They learn to regulate emotions best when they do so with us (and what an honour it is to help them with something so important!). Their ability to handle disappointment will grow as they do— with experience (lots of it), and our caring support (lots of it). What we help our children to learn now will set them up for a lifetime of being able to experience, express, and shift from this difficult emotion.

Helping Your Children Handle Disappointment

For all emotions, we can start with empathy. We have felt disappointed, we know what it’s like. We can then bring our kindness to the situation and, importantly, ‘park’ our judgment over whether the situation is worth being disappointed over. If the child feels it, it is!

We can validate and put language to the emotion. “You’re really disappointed. You wanted that toy”, “We can’t go to the park, and you wanted to. I know that makes you upset”. Our tamariki need to hear that how they feel is okay. Our words can say that, and so can our whole presence— our willingness to be calm, patient, and allow our children to experience and express this emotion. Also, our trust. This emotion is big, but we can convey to them, “I know you’ll get through this”. That reinstalls some of the hope they lose when things don’t go their way. (That sounds dramatic, but the feeling can be that deep for them).

Sometimes, and understandably when we think about it, this emotion comes with an outward response. Hitting. Pushing. Throwing things. This is where our child might need us to redirect them. Being disappointed is ok, but hurting isn’t. Perhaps they can stamp their feet instead. Maybe they need help to find the thing that calms them — their blanket, a particular place to sit, a cuddle. Right in the midst of the big feelings is not the time for big explanations and ‘teaching’, but outside of that time, we can speak of the things that will help. We can read stories of characters who are facing this feeling. We can model our own coping when we are disappointed. It’s with practice that our children can take what we support them with, and take over the responsibility for it. (Gradually. Not after just one or two or ten situations).

Handling disappointment is a crucial skill our tamariki need packed in their ‘kete’, or toolbox of coping skills. If we remember the bigness of the emotion, and the littleness (inexperience) of our children, we can offer them the empathetic, kind support they need to manage this— with us, and then without us.