How To Help Your Child When They Are Struggling With Big Emotions

Sometimes we all need more than just good advice, especially when we are children. Not only does the situation become too much to process, but so do the emotions they are feeling. Allowing children the space and the loving, calm, safe environment sometimes means not saying much at all, and rather getting down to their level, being patient, and giving them a hug. Kindecare not only ensures that environment for your child, but also has great advice on how to teach your child to regulate their emotions at home.

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Big emotions happen to all of us. The good news is that the earlier your child discovers how to do regulate these, the safer they’ll feel within themselves, and in situations which may, at first, feel overwhelming. How your child encounters these self-caring rhythms matters enormously.

Kindercare nurtures and comforts your child through these big emotions in ways which allow your child to feel loved and seen. Ways that teach them to settle gently, and to manage their emotions without placing any demands upon them.

Two foundational ways we help your child regulate their big emotions which you can also use at home

• Provide a calm and comforting presence

Young children need a calm adult presence. They need to know that they, and their emotions, can be safely expressed. That their emotions aren’t scary.

• Body language over words

When overwhelmed, the child’s emotions are heightened. Far more than words, body language that speaks of comfort, support, listening, and security is what’s needed.

But what does that look like? 4 Ways the right body language can help

• Actions that grow confidence

Getting down to the child’s level is vital. A standing adult can seem very large and intimidating to a child. Being on their level, helps them recognise you as more approachable. And as listening to, or really seeing them. They no longer feel so alone in their big emotion. Sitting cross-legged is a good position as the hollow this creates provides a safe space for them to crawl into, or into which you can scoop them for a cuddle. It says, “I’m here for you. Come over, let’s talk about your big emotion.”

• Don’t demand eye contact during meltdowns

Eye contact has pros and cons.

Having taken a low posture, and with a soft, understanding, and inviting expression, eye contact reinforces that you are a safe space. It releases bonding hormones that lessen their fear and anxiety. It’s called co-regulation. The child is regulating themselves in sync with your calmness and quiet.

But don’t demand eye contact, especially if you are struggling to stay calm. It’s important for the adult to read the child’s body language. If looking at you increases their stress, or makes them pull away, then instead of looking at their eyes you can look at their hands.  Instead. Why does this help? Children in extreme panic or who are autistic can find eye contact too intense or even painful.

Unless you are calm, and know that gentle eye contact works to help calm your child, avoid saying, “Look at me when I’m talking to you.” It’s a sentence that can actually create the distance you’re trying to bridge. Wait until they are ready to connect with you.

• Co-regulation and encouraging the ‘I can do it’ thought patterns in your child.

Apart from co-regulating by observing the calm, loving body language of a caring adult, children can be taught to regulate themselves. Especially with the adult’s verbal support. There are two ways to do this:

• Positive Reinforcement of a child’seffort and attitude
  Instead of simply praising the final result of a child’s achievement, praise how they got there as well. For example, “I am so impressed that you persevered with putting that puzzle together. Well done..”
  
  
• Cognitive Restructuring: Negative self-talk is crippling for children and adults alike. It’s important to model a resilient mindset for your child to follow. For example, “Getting up early to go to work can be hard, but I can do it.” Or “I know climbing stairs is hard, but I also know that you can do it like a champ!”

• Behaviour specific feedback Saying, “Don’t be cross” or “Calm down” has never helped anyone. All it does is push people, especially children away. Behaviour-specific feedback encourages the child to separate themselves from their emotion or behaviour. This, in turn, helps them to think through their emotions and actions, and then regulate themselves. For example, say things like, “I can see that you’re feeling angry” or “How is feeling cross going to help you?”

Reassurance, gentleness, and safety are primary ways to grow resilient, self-regulating children. And it’s the foundation of how we care for the children you love and have entrusted to us.

Did you know that taking deep breaths along with your child when they are overwhelmed can help them mimic that behaviour when they’re on their own?

Did you know that taking deep breaths can also help you calm down when your child is overwhelmed?

Did you know that using actions with deep breaths can enhance the speed of regulating big emotions. For example, opening your arms wide as you breathe in, and then bringing them in to cross your chest as you breathe out.

If you’d like to chat through more ways to help your child learn to regulate themselves through big emotions, pop in. We’d be delighted to see you.